jubilantmotherhood

**WARNING THIS POST WILL LIKELY CONTAIN AN INCOHERENT BLATHERING OF EMOTIONS**

I think I’ve pretty much hit it. That “limit” we speak of so frequently. I honestly feel like I can’t take one more minute of the current day to day. Thankfully, my kids are finally napping, and I would be also, but every time I start to lay down someone screams, so I’m not going to jinx it.

I doubt this blog post will do a single person a tiny bit of good. And we all know, if you can’t say something nice don’t say anything. Therefore, I will give my obligatory “everything’s good and life is hunky dory” line and you kind folk can just quit reading. There you have. Yep…that was it. Turn it off. Last warning.

Now. I am just one giant ball of emotions at the moment and will likely sob through the entire writing of this post. I may say something I will totally regret later. Forgive me in advance.

I am tired. I’m tired of dealing with doctors and medical problems. I’m tired of being jerked around by those who are “supposed” to be trying to help. The past year has just been beyond miserable. Has God been good? Yes. Have the doctors? NO! I tried really hard to give the benefit of the doubt after Korbin’s birth that the sequence of events were just a series of freak events. The truth of the matter is…someone screwed up. BAD. SOMEONE didn’t do their job. I don’t know who it was. I’m not sure which doctor it even was that said, “looks fine to me!” But with all the tests that had been done, the fact that what ended up being the case was what they were SUPPOSED TO BE LOOKING FOR THE FIRST PLACE, there is absolutely no excuse for the circus they’ve put me through in the past months.

As a result of this idiocy, we have had medical bills out of our ears. This would be frustrating and stressful in and of itself. Enter: medical billing. Whoever set up the current systems of medical billing and insurance SHOULD BE SHOT. There is absolutely NO excuse for confusion, miscommunication and carelessness that is RAMPANT in this industry. I have literally spent HOURS on the phone dealing with stupidity after stupidity. They charged us TWICE our out of pocket maximum to bill us for a PRIVATE ROOM when we delivered Korbin. Two things make this INSANE. First, I wasn’t even coherent when they put me in a room. Didn’t even know where I was. Could not possibly have cared less what the heck room I was in. OBVIOUSLY I did not request a private room. Now…here’s the even better part. THEY ONLY HAVE PRIVATE ROOMS. They put me in the only room they had and then wanted me to pay for a “private room????” You’re kidding right???

It took FOUR calls to the hospital and THREE to the insurance company to get that cleared up. Really??? How on earth can that even be complicated??? Anyway, they drug out my ordeal into the new year so we got to pay out of pocket maximum…again. Oh…and Korbin too. Now, we got our tax returns (never ceases to amaze me how much the government takes from you that they have no right to) and I went through EVERY medical bill we had received in FOREVER. I went through EVERY explanation of benefits form. I called every stinkin provider, every hospital and paid EVERY. SINGLE. BILL. Every last one. I can’t tell you how good that felt.

Today, the doctor’s office calls WARD’S CELL PHONE and says that we are severely late in paying almost $400 in bills to them. WHAT?!?!!? First of all…CALL MY HOUSE. Second of all…SEND A BILL! Third of all…I ALREADY PAID YOU!!!!!!!!!!! I feel like the guy in Office Space “I’ll set the building on fire!” UNBELIEVABLE!

This was just the icing on the poo sandwich of the month. I finally found something I feel like I can do to help my little boy…but it’s expensive. There’s no way around that. Worth it? Yes, I think so. Especially if it works! But that doesn’t make it any cheaper. We have a vacation coming up this summer and a weekend trip in May. Do we dare spend the money to do it? Do we dare not and think we could possibly survive the summer?? The thought of not getting away from all of this for a week in a couple of months is enough to make me want to admit myself somewhere.

Kai is unbearable. As horribly gut-wrenching as it is to say this: I can’t hardly stand to be around my own son anymore. He’s seldom happy and nothing I do can make him happy. Point in case…last night was the kids’ Cubbies award night. Sad as it is to say, I just didn’t want Kai to ruin it for Kaytie. She was so excited about it. He of course, didn’t want to go. I had no intention of making him do it. I didn’t want to cause a scene and spoil the experience for Kaytie. He said he’d do it if I went with him but he argued about it the entire time. When it came time for them to go up on the stage to get their awards, Kai went up there, all excited and then freaked out. My kid was the one covering his face and saying “NO! NO!” while all the other little Cubbies sang “we’re happy all day long.” He eventually got bad enough that I had to go up there with him…I tried to get him to just come back and sit with me so that we would ruin the whole thing for everyone, but no…he didn’t want to stay, he didn’t want to go…there is absolutely NO making him happy. He was going to make a scene either way.

Thankfully, Kaytie seemed to enjoy herself regardless…I apologize to all the other parents who now have my large adult body in their precious Cubbie award night pictures. We went to dinner and Kai decided out of the blue that he no longer likes ham…after we had ordered him a ham sandwich of course. He argued EVERYTHING all night long.

We had his blood drawn this morning and you’d swear they were murdering him. We begged and begged to go to Brain Balance. We got there a little early and they weren’t open yet so we ran to Walmart and he kept saying over and over that he didn’t want to go to Walmart, he just wanted to go to Brain Balance. Of course, when we walk in the door, he no longer likes Brain Balance. He is IMPOSSIBLE. Trying to get answers out of him for the test was like trying to floss a snake’s teeth. He didn’t answer several of the questions that I KNOW he knew the answers to. How do you honestly evaluate a kid like that? Every time she’d ask a question he’s say, “I don’t want to tell you that.”

It’s absolutely exhausting. It’s emotionally draining. He’s my baby. My sweet little baby. The one who was my “easy child.” The one who adores his siblings and is possibly the sweetest kid you’d ever meet. THIS IS NOT MY KID. He’s becoming someone I don’t even know and it’s breaking my heart into a million little pieces.

I’m doing everything I can for him. I’m working my tail off to get him the help he needs. I’m driving to Illinois three days a week. That’s more than 3 hours of driving each time. We moved out here when I was still in college three days a week at Greenville and I had to make that commute. I HAAAAATTTTTED it…IDOT is the WORST organization ON. THE. PLANET. PERIOD! I always DREADED crossing the river. I would sit for HOOOOURRRSSS in road construction and never a soul was working. I was soooo glad to be done with that. Sign up at the canal bridge for this next week…”lane closures…expect long delays.” Just. Shoot. Me.

While I’m hanging out in pity party-ville, I’m gonna go ahead and get this one out in the open too. I am sick to death of my mothering being a lightening rod for public criticism. Now…I will, for a minute…attempt to explain myself…but everything in me is screaming…MIND YOUR OWN DARN BUSINESS! I just want to clear up a couple of things…

1. I LOVE MY FAMILY. I love them! I’d DIE for them…and nearly did for one. There is NOTHING that I do that I don’t believe is in the best interest of my family. ALL of them. I do NOT make decisions without considering the effects on my husband and my children…in fact (close your ears feminists) I do NOT make decisions without the APPROVAL of my husband. He runs this family. If I have made a decision you can bet your sweet self that he’s signed off on it. STOP putting all the blame for every decision you disagree with on ME. We do this life thing TOGETHER. We’re in it TOGETHER. Better or worse. So if you’d like to criticize someone, I’m sure he’d be happy to not care on my behalf for awhile.

2. I hear you. I see you. I’ve heard every single “well-meaning” argument about how I live my life, when and where we go to church, what groups we’re involved in, how we’re raising our kids…if only we were easier on them…if only we were harder on them…if only they were in school so they could be “socialized”…if only there weren’t so many of them…you’re obviously not considering your children if you did THIS…you’re obviously not considering your friends if you do THAT…

I believe that MOST of the comments I get are well-intentioned. I do. But that doesn’t make them less wrong or less painful. Your criticism will NOT change my decision, or my husbands…but I’m not gonna lie, I’ve cried myself to sleep over more than a few. My conscience is clean. I have done the best that I could do and I will continue to do so. Am I perfect. NO. Far from it. But I love my family and friends. I would do anything for them. Yes, I ask others to help out sometimes…NO I’m not taking advantage of them…I try to help whenever I can too. I happen to believe that life was meant to be lived TOGETHER. Yes, we had to withdraw from going to church during the sick season to try to keep the baby safe. NO it doesn’t mean that we love our church family any less or are any less committed to it. They are one of God’s greatest gifts to us. We could not ask for a better church or better pastors and someday we will be able to be the family that is there all the time…and I look forward to it. Yes, I homeschool our kids. No, it’s not because I believe I’m better than you or because I want them to live in a bubble. I have very specific reasons that were thought on, researched, prayed about and debated for YEARS before the decision was made. STOP QUESTIONING ME. Yes, we have a large family and they’re close together. Yes…we wanted it that way. Sorry if that’s not how you think a family should be. No…I don’t think our kids are cheated by having so many siblings. No…I don’t feel like they miss out on time with me. Pretty much everyone who has EVER made that argument to me spends less than HALF the amount of time with their kids as I do with mine. Could you please just MIND YOUR OWN BUSINESS??

Some people don’t say anything. They give “the look.” The “oh you poor woman with so many kids” look. Or the “oh you homeschool….” look. Or the “why can you not control your kid!” look. That one really gets me. I want to say something about that. I used to think that every kid falling apart in public was the result of parents that had spoiled them and refused to discipline them. No kid that was disciplined would dare act out in public like that. Mind you, this thinking was long before having kids. But even after I was a mom, I would see a kid acting like Kai and immediately think…”gosh…would you deal with your kid.” Especially when the parents didn’t seem to be DOING anything about it.

I would love to go back in time and beg forgiveness from everyone I’ve ever thought that about. Are there children who constantly throw tantrums because they get what they want when they do? Yep. But you can’t tell just from looking what the whole story is. You have no idea what those parents are dealing with. Maybe they’re slacker parents…maybe they just don’t know what to do anymore. You CANNOT discipline this out of a kid. If you could I’D HAVE DONE IT! You can’t BRIBE this out of a kid. You CAN’T. And if you still think you can…go ahead and give the look if you must. Shake your head and blame my faulty parenting. I forgive you in advance since I’ve been in your shoes. Hopefully you’ll never have to walk in mine.

Oh, and one last piece of advice. The old adage, “don’t make anyone a priority who only makes you an option”…it’s true. I’m getting really tired of being an option in situations where the relationship should be priority. Some day everything else you used to fill your time will be gone and what will you have to show for it. Your relationships are the only things that will last. Better take care of them while you have the chance. I’m not going to get any more specific than that and more than likely the parties who would profit most to hear those words won’t pay a lick of attention, but at least I said it.

Whew. I apologize to anyone who is still reading this. It was childish, angry and generally everything I’m usually not…but honestly, it sure feels good to get it off my chest. Hope ya’ll still love me. Tomorrow will be a better day.